Help.

Yet, another moment of depression in my life.

It all started when I was just scrolling around my friend's pages on Facebook.
All i see..'XXX is in a relationship with YYY', 'XXX invited you to his/her event/page', *photos of XXX with thousands of friends surrounding him/her*, or some of them are travelling, enjoying their life...and i'm just sitting here like, 'What the hell happened to me!'

I had friends, I had a hobby, I had a place to hang out with a bunch of friends, I had time to watch my health and diet. Now, when it's my rest day, all i can think about is movie alone, or delivery, or sleep. When i have problems, there is nobody in my mind to talk to,except my mom. Don't get me wrong, i love my mom, but i just wish there are more people out there whom will lend me a shoulder to cry on. There's actually no one. NO ONE.

I'm 23, and hell no, I don't have a freaking goal. There is no direction at all in my life. What am I going to do?

Since young, i wanted to dance, to act, to teach. It's too late now, but i just gotta say, i've taken the wrong road. Is it too late to start a new life now? If i really did, estimated duration to build it will be 5 years? By the time i can really enjoy my life is like what, 30? Is that too late? I've got so many questions. Some people say it's not necessary to take counseling, I guess their perception towards people seeking counseling are mentally ill or something. So if i took counseling i'm considered problematic, or sick, etc.

I thought a lot about the choices I have, an alternative from counseling is I can negotiate with my working hours and start taking my own lead. Take lessons to improve in what I like, like French lessond, dance classes etc. But my sources are so limited! Money is another problem. Actually, money is my main problem. Even if I chose counseling, I gotta spend!  GEEZ.

There is one thing i'm quite certain though. My new year resolution is to go overseas to look for a job, or work and travel. But then again, am i ready for this? What if the only job i managed to get is the same as what i'm doing, or worse. Still it doesn't lead me to doing things that I like. At this point, it's concluded that i've taken the wrong journey and that i just need more money. Now it's clearer what the problem is. I can start a new life anytime, quit my job ,take classes or whatever, but i need money. To get money, i gotta work. So bottom line, I just gotta live this meaningless life until oh i don't know, til i die?

And what about my friends? I'm sure as soon as i start my new life, i'll get new friends and finally a true circle of friends i feel comfortable with. But in order to do that...refer to previous paragraph. THIS IS LIKE A CYCLE! A LIFE EATING CYCLE.

I need help.

Just feel like it.

Warning: This post will make you think i'm a bitch who's so full of myself. I don't care if you can accept it or not to continue being my friend. But this is my blog, i write whatever i want. Thank you for taking your time to read. Thank you for reading at least a bit before closing the page. I know you're busy people who only reply me when you have a problem.

Okay, here is what I feel about some of my friends whom i still keep in contact with, for a really long time.
It could be you, reading this, or not. Or it could be some friends who doesn't even know about this blog.

I feel that some of you, are just being very selfish. I'm sorry, i'm not good in giving advice, to calm you down, to cheer you up, when you are down. And i know, some of you don't even think i'm smart enough to give advice, or smart enough to influence you to do something. But here's the thing, when you talk to me, about your problems, I feel for you, I really do, as much as i want to cheer you up, I always tried my best, but as my friend, you should know my limit of making you smile, I don't have that talent, but i tried, and i want you to be happy.

A lot of your problems, i have encountered before, and I always tell you what I would do or already did to face those problems. Which worked for me, at least i know it worked because i'm still alive and sane. But you don't know this. Because you're just being too full of yourself. Talking and talking and talking, and not even listening to my part, worse, some of you won't even let me finish what i wanted to say.

When i'm feeling down, I seek for you to talk to, and when you talk and advice, i listen. Is it so hard for you to listen to me for once? At least let me finish what i wanna say. Why? Is it because my advice are not good enough? Is it because it's just the same as what everybody else are saying? Is it different from what others are saying? Or is it just me? What's wrong with me?

You think you really know me that well? Do you even know how i've been?

1. I love math and science, and i did learn french.
2. My educational level is slightly above average or average sometimes, i like teaching and i used to teach.
3. I'm a Malaysian, not a Malay or Muslim.
4. I used to be extremely active and good in alotta sports, especially basketball, not boasting bout this, i know a lot of people are active before they started working life and i know some of you still are. If you don't believe me, I have many references. Just cause I don't walk around in sneakers, sports pants and marathon singlets, i still work out, after work and even before work, depending on my shift. Just because I don't show it doesn't mean i don't do it.
5. I don't go to the gym because I don't believe that gyms are the only way to exercise.
6. I'm totally an outdoor person, i hiked and climbed trees.
7. I love to eat and drink and don't like clubbing. Call me anti social or whatever you want, I won't go to clubs just to blend in.
8. I like acting, making expressions, doing silly actions and I will randomly dance silly-ly, but you don't know because to you, i'm just a boring girl who doesn't even speak much, you don't even bother looking at me or acknowledge my existence.
9. I like dancing, but it's hard for me to portray it because most of the time i'm in heels and surrounded by a professional and serious environment, it's not a problem to some people but I guess, as a girl, with this environment and this kinda dance that I do, it's hard for me.
10. You think you're cool because you punch walls when you're mad? Guess what, i did that too, even on sharp edges purposely to make them bleed. Check my fist.
11. Just like a regular person. I have side hobbies too.
12. I'm very conservative when it comes to spending, I have my own reasons of being so, mainly why I'd just stay home when i'm here in Sg. Come to M'sia and let's hang out, it's cheaper.
The list can go on.
Do you know about these? Would you even bother to keep these in mind? How many times do I have to answer all these questions for you to remember?

Just because I don't talk much doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. Truthfully there is nobody, nobody besides my family members who really bother listening to me or give a shit to listen to my problems. It always end up bout you telling me your problems and in the end i'm the one cracking my head to cheer you up. That's why most of the time, I'm quiet. Again, referring to the top part of the post, i hesitate to speak up because i know you won't bother letting me finish or even listen to me.

I talk to myself so much now sometimes i really feel like i have aphasia or alexithymia or some other speaking disorders. Every time i'll hesitate to tell my stories because it's probably not as interesting or funny as your's, then my stories will be cut in the middle and followed by your's. I may sound like a total low self esteem, no confidence, emo girl but you know, i used to be the one making people laugh. To those who i've made laugh before, I wish we never part. I like acting silly and making people laugh, that's my kind of humour. But with some of you, I can't do that, because all i get is d 'wtf' look. Sorry that i'm still so childish with my stupid jokes that it's not cool enough for you.

Now i can't remember what else I wanna say. That's it for now.

Btw, if you feel offended or wanna ask if it's you. Don't bother. I don't want you to be sorry or feel sorry for me. I don't want you to be wary when you're around me. People have their own thoughts and feelings. Please just respect mine.

Seng Mok la

You know that feeling when you're sitting at a table, and the people around you are just eye contacting each other but you? Or when you want things to be like how it was before but they're not? When you thought there is a connection going on with this other person and then he/she just stopped contacting you? Even when you think that you're someone in a certain group but they hardly tells you anything?

Guess what..wake up abit la....
Your life is not a movie, it is reality.
When you're nobody, YOU ARE NOBODY. Stop 'trying too hard'.

Not gonna mention bout the whole 'new year jinx' thing cuz it's too mainstream

I bloody hell knew something like this was gonna happen.
Why do people do this? Ok, no, not people. Just specifically 'that group'.

The effort I had to put, and they just blow it off with a simple 'I don't feel like it'.
I want you to know, this is not the first time, but it is the last time i'm gonna arrange/organize shit like this that involves 'that group'.

The bunch of people that makes you feel important for awhile, to think that they actually care!
Just heartbreaking.